User Profile

marcus

MRI needed but... had massive Panic Attack
I have had MRI's before. I hated it. I have struggled through them. However the other day, I got halfway done and freaked out. The being in that tiny tube and the loud noise and not being able to move was just too much. I think the ones where I was able to watch tv and put on something funny helped me. I had music going but it kept having songs that I just didn't care for either. I literally had to get out of there and it took me a couple of days to recover from this panic attack. I didn't want to be near people or anything stimulus afterward. I laid in bed playing mindless games on my phone. In about another week or so, I am supposed to go back and try again at a different facility. apparently, the nurses there can give me something to calm my nerves. Just thinking about going back is triggering my anxiety. I am in massive lower back hip and leg and knee pain. The xrays were done. I can't go through with the MRI. I just can't. apparently, there are some problems with my discs in my lower back and in my hips but my doctor wanted more tests. Is there anything else I can ask to be done? I just don't want to do this MRI. I have numbness and shooting pain in my legs and joint pain in my hips and knees. Doctors believe I have Fibro, Arthritis, but not Rheumatoid. My tests they say don't show RA but I do have chronic joint pain and hypothyroidism. I also have a massive pain in my hands and arms and elbows and wrists and neck and shoulders. I just am a huge body of pain. I just want to find relief.

Feeling the need for every meal to be “perfect”
Does anyone else feel the need or desire for all their meals to be “perfect?” Like it has to be the right time to eat, you have to have measured the correct amounts of whatever you’re eating, take a certain amount of time to eat and not be interrupted or disturbed while eating? This makes me sound crazy maybe, and I’m reasonably flexible day to day with most of my meals, but I just prefer if I’ve planned everything “perfectly” and all goes according to plan. Breakfast at 8, lunch at 12, snack at 3, dinner at 7, etc and I get to eat exactly how much I want with out anyone asking for any of what I’ve already measured... I’m recovering from an ED and eating the right amount of calories, but this perfectionism about food and not wanting it to be interrupted or derailed is definitely the hardest thing to shake. Does anyone have advice for me?

A little over a month ago, my relationship ended.
I didn't see it coming, but I should have. His relationship had recently ended when ours had begun (first red flag). I tried to walk away but he was so tenacious, and the fantasy he created in my mind was too difficult to resist. All the right words were said. It felt like he could see into my soul and predict what I would need to hear at any given point. However, people he described as "just friends" did not make sense to me, but I continued to ignore my intuition. In April I saw a dating app on his phone. Upon confrontation, I was told it was just for friends prior to us meeting but the messages were all deleted before I could see this to be true. Again, all the right things were said and the fantasy continued. As time went on, more red flags began popping up: a small white lie on a Monday, canceled plans on a Saturday, and soon every day was bombilating with apprehension. Friends began telling me that I was choosing to ignore the signs and that I need to leave. "Be careful with that one love, he will do what it takes to survive(Hamilton)," said one friend. Still, I chose to believe in the fantasy. In July, I found him on another dating app and I "catfished" him, you could say. He sent a pin drop to his location, provocative messages, and the fantasy felt shattered. Yet again, I did not leave, but I no longer believed his lies. The curse in being a Capricorn is that I hardly ever leave. Once I attach myself to something, I can't let go. I won't let go. A few months passed and although we had moments of magic, there were more moments of torment than anything. How do you believe anything else? The short answer is, I couldn't, yet I still did not leave. By the end of September, he left stating that he had a dream that I would be unable to heal as long as he remained in my life. He tried to wrap his departure like a Christmas gift, martyring himself for the greater good of "me." It's been a rough journey of healing, but I can see that now he would not recognize me. This time, I put my pieces back together differently. I could not have gotten by without the support of my friends, and I will try to be here for anyone in need of support that may be going through a similar situation. A brilliant radio show host once said that people can often bleach red flags white in an attempt to keep the fantasy of the relationship alive, and that is exactly what I did. My the****** and I have gone back to the beginning to "deconstruct the fantasy," as he says, in an attempt to understand and heal.