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Do I have an eating disorder?
Friends, family, and professionals keep telling me that I have an eating disorder but I have no idea what I actually have. The backstory is I used to be really fat, at 16 I was 20 stone so I decided I needed to lose the weight. It was going really well and I was dropping weight each week for 2 years, which is when my mum began saying I was getting too thin. I couldn't understand why because no matter what the scales said I couldn't unsee that 20 stone, so I kept pushing to lose it. I lapsed back into eating poorly for 2 years and gained some of that back, which made me so unbelievably unhappy. At that point, people were telling me I was perfect, but I felt the opposite. I started skipping meals and tried to make myself throw up (It seems I don't have a gag reflex as no matter how desperately hard I try I just cannot trigger that response) and I'm continuing that to this day. I feel disgusted in myself, I can't bare to ever take my shirt off, even in private, or look in a mirror without wanting to take a knife to myself and cut the fat away. I keep lapsing back into eating more than I want to because I'm so unhappy with my weight which is why I've started skipping as many meals as possible. All I want is to be thin, thin and happy. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me. I'm not anorexic and I'm not bulimic so I don't know what is wrong with me. Does anyone have any ideas if I truly have an eating disorder, or if it's something else?

3 years alcohol free 1st of December
My life has changed so much in these 3 years it's unbelievable my wife and kids love me I've my own business doing well and with a medication, I have control of my bipolar. Anyone thinking of quitting whatever poison you're on give it a go, you've nothing to lose.

I often wish I never planned things.
I'm hosting a dinner for some extended family tonight, and they are due to arrive in 20 minutes. My pain is bad and I'm in sensory overload from having company all weekend. I wish I could say please leave me alone. I can't seem to concentrate on what needs to be done to make a simple dinner, and I'm so tired to fake a happy exterior. Blah. Just venting. I know I'm putting additional stress on my husband. I want so badly to cry and it won't come out. Plus, it's super fun to entertain folks when your legs won't tolerate wearing pants.