They will never know the memories you carry with you, or the ones you have left behind. - Isra Al-Thibeh
A little over a month ago, my relationship ended.
I didn't see it coming, but I should have. His relationship had recently ended when ours had begun (first red flag). I tried to walk away but he was so tenacious, and the fantasy he created in my mind was too difficult to resist. All the right words were said. It felt like he could see into my soul and predict what I would need to hear at any given point. However, people he described as "just friends" did not make sense to me, but I continued to ignore my intuition. In April I saw a dating app on his phone. Upon confrontation, I was told it was just for friends prior to us meeting but the messages were all deleted before I could see this to be true. Again, all the right things were said and the fantasy continued. As time went on, more red flags began popping up: a small white lie on a Monday, canceled plans on a Saturday, and soon every day was bombilating with apprehension. Friends began telling me that I was choosing to ignore the signs and that I need to leave. "Be careful with that one love, he will do what it takes to survive(Hamilton)," said one friend. Still, I chose to believe in the fantasy. In July, I found him on another dating app and I "catfished" him, you could say. He sent a pin drop to his location, provocative messages, and the fantasy felt shattered. Yet again, I did not leave, but I no longer believed his lies. The curse in being a Capricorn is that I hardly ever leave. Once I attach myself to something, I can't let go. I won't let go. A few months passed and although we had moments of magic, there were more moments of torment than anything. How do you believe anything else? The short answer is, I couldn't, yet I still did not leave. By the end of September, he left stating that he had a dream that I would be unable to heal as long as he remained in my life. He tried to wrap his departure like a Christmas gift, martyring himself for the greater good of "me." It's been a rough journey of healing, but I can see that now he would not recognize me. This time, I put my pieces back together differently. I could not have gotten by without the support of my friends, and I will try to be here for anyone in need of support that may be going through a similar situation. A brilliant radio show host once said that people can often bleach red flags white in an attempt to keep the fantasy of the relationship alive, and that is exactly what I did. My the****** and I have gone back to the beginning to "deconstruct the fantasy," as he says, in an attempt to understand and heal.
by marcus at 2018-11-19T17:17:25